stupid high school boys!

Being a teenager, i don't have much on my mind...well at least nothing too important. So what is currently on my mind are relationships. I'm almost eighteen and i've never actually been in a relationship, lame i know. I've been on dates before, its just that i've never had an actual guy to call a boyfriend. Its not that guys don't like me, but i'm just picky. The guys my age are just jerks, well most of them anyways. I consider myself mature and the guys here act like middle schoolers. I guess i just have an idealistic boyfriend in my mind but cant seen to find him. Im not saying that i'm desparate to be in a relationship, but i would like to be one. And no, im not using this blog to find one. Just venting my frustrations about all the stupid high school guys.


So, heres the story
I do like this one guy. And i've liked him for a while, since the end of may. But because we had summer vacation, my liking of him disipated. Well at the end of summer we started to hang out and the flame started again. This is a guy who sees past the beauty and make uo down to the core of a person. He doesnt talk about anything but the moment. So by now school has started and we have four classes together and we sit next to eachother; yay! so as the days pass by i am more attracted to him. He's not one of the "popular (i think popularity is stupid)" guys or an emo guy, he is normal (if there is such a thing). At night, sometimes i just like to turn off the lights crawl under my sheets and just think. Im thinking to myself, "wow, i really like this guy." So the next day im falling head over heals for this guy and i want to take it to the next level. So i decide to call him and tell him that i have feelings for him. Knowing the guy that he is, i was confident that i was gonna get a boyfriend; yes!

I pick up my cellphone and hesitate to push the green dial button. Im prancing and pacing back and forth. Thoughts of what i was going to say were running through my mind like those l.e.d boards. I was giggly with excitement but scared and nervous at the same time. So i pushed the button. "ring" by heart rate is increasing. By the second and third ring, by heart is pounding through my chest. My palms are sweaty, by legs were restless. It stopped ringing and a deep voice appeared "hello?". It was him. There was a little bit of relief because i knew that there was no way to turn back. So i start by asking him how was his day; what was he doing; if he was busy.....here is my chance. well here goes nothing.

I opened my mouth and said "i have something to tell you"

he said, "yeah? what is it?"

"i like you...a lot"

(Long awkward silence) Im thinking to myself, oh no what have i done?!!?

"wow." he says. im thinking...what wow? thats it, a wow?!!? Then by this time i knew it wasn't going to go the way as i planned.

"wow?"

"yeah, wow."

(Another awkward silence)

"The thing is....i already have a girlfriend." My heart at this moment doenst exist, it just poofed into midair and flew away to some factory where it got crumbled under a pounding machine. (haha, weird analogy) But i was shocked! he never told anybody that he had a girlfriend. At this point i didnt know what to say.

"Really...?"

"Yeah, i didn't think it was important to tell anyone, but now i guess it is. I'm sorry."

I'm sorry??!! wtf! i just poured out my heart to him and all he had to say was im sorry?
Being the person that i am i didnt blow up on him.

So he tells me that im a strong person for telling him yaddy yaddy yah. And i was like "well you never know unless you try right?" and he was like "yeah..."

Here comes the worst part. "I started liking you too" My jaw dropped to the floor.
You dont tell someone that you started liking them when you have girlfriend. What am i suppose to do, wait? It just killed me.

So we talk about how we are calm people and that we shouldn't let this thing change our friendship (we are really good friends, almost like best friends). So i keep it cool. We hang up and i run to my room. I call my friend up and tell her what happened. No very much support from her. So 10 mins later i call my other friend. I tell him from beginning to end what had happened. My words were all slurred and i had that hyper breathing that you get when you are about to cry, or when you're just done crying. It was bad. When i hung up, i just balled by eyes out. Tears just streamed down my face, snot was running out of my nose. Gosh it was ugly. I was just thinking to myself...if i had told him earlier, then could there have been something?

School comes on monday and i have first period with him. im dreading this. He's sitting with his head down and i slowly walk in and i sit next to him. Im thinking, oh my gosh this is going to be soooooo awkward. i say "heyyyyy...." and he responds back. And things just went on as they usually did.

So it is now the beginning of November and i do still like him. Its not like i can stop liking him just because he has a girlfriend. Sometimes i just wish it was me. So he has become alert on what he asks me like this one time we were talking to some friends and he was like "i'm awesome aren't i?" to me, and before i could even say anything he said "nevermind, you don't have to answer that." And this was in like end of September. We are still great friends now but i wish we could be more. Hey, what can i do? If it wasnt ment to be it wasnt ment to be. So for fuure references we'll call this guy "Snickers".

But yeah that is my story, and im a bit relieved to get it out there. Although it might sound stereotypical or movie scripted, it's true. Leave you're comments say that im lame or you feel sorry for me. Anything. Thanks for reading.